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Have Sex…Just Wait Until It’s The Right Time

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That’s right. I said it. Have sex. Have lots of sex. Just wait until it’s the right time.

So what’s the right time? Well, that’s a tough question to answer, not because it’s difficult to express what some of us have already decided, but because of the faith system that has prompted us to decide that. But let’s put the God thing on hold for a second. Oh, and before I continue, I’ll mention that these thoughts were prompted by an article I read today at Modern Reject.  In the article, Nicole writes:

Women need sex to feel emotionally connected.  Men need sex to feel loved and desirable.

I agree with this completely.  Unfortunately, I already know that this is true, but let’s not re-live the past.  What’s done is done, and moving forward is the best thing that can happen.

So, if the statement above is true, that women need to feel emotionally connected, and having sex accomplishes that goal, and men accomplish the goal of feeling loved and desirable through sex, then there are a lot of people out there who are stealing a false sense of the very benefits that this wonderful gift we’ve been given is designed to provide before making the commitment to actually do the very things that their partner believes they are receiving.

Huh?  Right.  Okay, so what I mean by this is, if you, woman, are aware that men need sex to feel loved and desirable, and you choose to have sex with a man, yet you don’t love him, and you don’t truly desire him, then you’ve tipped your hand to the fact that you’re probably doing it for your own emotional benefit, not his.  Sex is something that should be given to someone else, not taken from someone else.  Okay guys, so sex feels good, but I’m certain that you’re looking to do more than “conquer the woman” and tell your buddies about it.  I’m certain that deep down inside, you truly do need to feel loved and desirable.  So, if you know, man, that having sex with a woman will make her feel emotionally connected to you, yet you have no desire to be emotionally connected, then you’ve tipped your hand to the fact that you’re more interested in feeling loved yourself than you are connecting with her.

This all works outside of the context of marriage, right?  Make no commitment to her and just live in denial that the sex that you’re having is coming from a place of love and desire on her part, and pretend to connect with her so she feels fulfilled.  It’s all backwards this way.

The argument for or against sex before marriage is old, but so is God.  Look, if you don’t believe in God, then you probably won’t agree with my assessment, which is ultimately this.  Don’t have sex with someone you aren’t prepared to go the long haul with.  Loving someone is a choice.  Feeling loved is part of the package.  If you aren’t prepared to take the good with the bad, then don’t steal what isn’t yours from that person.  By preparation, I’m speaking of marriage…

For me, that’s a God issue.  Since I believe in God, and that he created me, and he created everything, then he also created sex, and the benefits therein, and He probably knows what’s best.  So, when He advises us to wait until we’re married, it’s not because He’ll punish us for going against His best practice, it’s because He wants us to experience it to its fullest, fully prepared for the results, including human duplication, without being dragged through nasty consequences.  Broken hearts, single motherhood, abandoned children, sexually transmitted diseases, bitterness, bitterness, bitterness.

So, while Nicole over at Modern Reject suggests that you have sex even when you’re not in the mood for the health of the marriage, make sure that you’re prepared to do for that woman or man what sex is perceived by that man or woman to do (feeling loved, emotionally connected) for them by making that life long commitment.  Marry her dude.  Then get it in.

But I’ve Already Done It

So what?  Don’t look back, dust yourself off, and aim higher.  Stop doing it.  He or she will understand and respect you more if you express these things.  And, if he or she does not respect you more, and gets angry that you’d rather wait, then you’ve just found out how selfish this person’s behavior is.  And if you’ve gone down that path and already reaped the consequences of what you’ve sown, man up and take care of those responsibilities.  Don’t you want to be in a loving relationship where you’re thinking more about her than you are yourself?  Ladies, wouldn’t it be better to hold off on the fraudulent feeling of emotional connectedness for the sake of being truly connected to your spouse?

I don’t know about you, but as desperate to feel loved and desirable as I can feel sometimes, I’m certainly not going to receive genuine love from a woman who shares herself with everyone she dates, and I can’t be fooled into believing I will, and it’s just not worth it to compromise the one act that God gave us as a metaphor for the depth of the relationship that He wants with us.

Sex is the closest physical manifestation of a spiritual connection to God that we have.  It’s the closest that two human beings can be with each other, and if it’s tainted with the selfish desire of “getting from” than “giving to” then it can easily become something bigger to you than God…which it is not.

Read More from Romantic Relationships

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Really? On Christmas Day?

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Yeah.  I’m blogging on Christmas day.

This year is unique.  For the first time that I can remember, I am alone, my dad is alone, and my uncle is alone.  We all live within miles of each other.  My Uncle isn’t married, but he has a few friends that he spends time with during the Holidays.  My dad is married, but for some strange reason Kate decided to go to Tahoe to ski instead of celebrate christmas, and I’m sitting here in my dark house writing.

Not what I pictured.

When I was a boy, Christmas was an amazing time.  I was an only child, and I certainly was spoiled by my parents.  Inevitably, every year they would tell me that I’m not getting anything big, and then something massive would come my way.  I don’t know if you can call that under-promising and over-delivering, but it was great, nonetheless.

Hungry Hungry Hippos, Capsela, Snap-together models, Testor chemicals, Hot Wheels Factory, Atari 2600, money, socks, batteries, books, cards, a computer!  Basically, every Christmas was indulgent and satisfying.  I had no competition, and I loved the entire day.  I didn’t have a staircase in my house, so there was no sneaking to the top of the staircase, most of the fireplaces that we had in Phoenix didn’t have a mantle, and were just stucco be-hive style, so the stockings, although hung, didn’t look “hollywoodized,” and it certainly didn’t snow.  Santa was believable for years, even though he’s typically over-dressed for this climate.  But I knew who the real Santas were the first time I saw a gift with “From: Santa” written on it before Santa had made his rounds!  Sneaky!

After the initial morning madness with me and my parents…ehem…Santas, my grandparents on my father’s side (Baca Baca and Grandaddy) along with uncle Steevo would show up.  By this time, in my mind, as a young boy, hours had already passed and I had already traveled the universe in my lego space-ship and invariably disassembled something and learned the schematics, then reassembled it and continued on.  In reality, it was only an hour or so.  Breakfast, this strange “adult” cake that they called “coffee cake” (I never understood that,) and additional gift opening would commence.

When the adults were done marveling at my ability to out-play everyone on Perfection, and had consumed enough of whatever they were consuming (must have been orange juice and 7Up, just like me, right?) they would giddy up and head out until next year.

That left me with the entire afternoon (again, time was relative) to play play play with my new stuff.  Most of what I received growing up required my creativity.  I didn’t have a lot of useless toys.  In fact, I had a lot of scientific stuff.  Things that I would have to build, or figure out.  It was perfect for me.

For dinner, we would cart everything over to my mom’s side of the family and do it all over again.  Opening gifts, playing the piano, eating, eating, eating.  Eventually the night would lead to me faking my own sleep so they’d have to carry me out.  I don’t know if I did that because I was lazy and didn’t want to walk, or if I just liked being carried by mom or dad.  Probably the latter ;).

The holidays used to be filled with family.  Now it’s just me.  Mom and Dad divorced something like 20 years ago and both re-married.  Suzanne (Gu Gu), Evelyn (Baca Baca) and Grandaddy are all gone now, and so is Su Su, my mom’s sister Susan.  Uncle Tom has been living in Santa Barbara for quite some time now, and the Merritt family has been in Oklahoma for eons.

I know that there are plenty of people with open homes on a day like today, and I love that.  But, even as warm and inviting as it may be, it’s just not the same.  In fact, sometimes it’s even harder when you’re invited somewhere that’s outside of the realm of what you envision as your own family tradition.  I’m getting older, and I feel behind almost everyone I know.  My entire circle of friends, save for a few, have either been married and have kids, or are married with kids, or are newly married.

Today, I was supposed to be spending time with someone I had been interested in.  That came to an abrupt end on the 22nd, and even though it’s probably the right direction, it still stinks.

So for now, and as long as I can see, Christmas is going to be tough.  This past year I’ve spent most of my energy getting out of debt, which meant sacrificing in so many areas that I had become accustomed to maintaining.  I still have a housing issue to deal with, but other than that, I owe no-one, which is a major accomplishment.

I have no idea what the future holds, but it’s got to be better than this.  I know, I know…I could come over to your house and spend time with you, and I appreciate the offer.  Today, I’ll be joining my Dad, as he is also alone this Christmas, and we’ll eat that damn California Pizza Kitchen frozen pizza, have our own effin’ bloody mary’s, and watch some foosball or something like that, even though I hate football.

I hope that your Christmas is what you envision it to be this year…one day mine will be again.

How to Adjust the Margins on Disqus Commenting

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I run a myriad of WordPress blogs.  On most of them, I utilize a commenting system called Disqus.  It’s just cool.  There’s one thing that I was troubled by when I first implemented it.  When enabled, the comment section seemed to be aligned flush with the width of my content, leaving no aesthetic margin to delineate a separation in design.  Thankfully, using Firebug, I was able to inspect the Disqus comment area to find the class identifier so I could modify the design slightly to fit my site.

Notice the following image.  The dark gray background and the Disqus comment area butt up against each other.  Not cool.  The right side of the comment form (not shown) also squished against the right hand side-bar.  Not attractive at all.

Simple Fix

There’s a very easy CSS style that you can apply to your Disqus settings for a given website and you do it from the Disqus website:

  1. Simply login, choose the site profile that you need to address.
  2. Click the settings tab, then click Appearance on the left.
  3. Scroll to the bottom of the page and paste the following into the Custom CSS box:#disqus_thread { margin: 0px 20px 0px 20px; }

Save your settings, and re-load your blog.  The setting above essentially squeezes the entire Disqus comment section by 20 pixels on the left and the right sides.  You can modify this to suit your needs, but it should help you line up your comment box with the other content on your site.

Here’s how it looks now:

Hope that helps.