Since first learning about Gary Vaynerchuck, a date, which at this point, has completely escaped my brain, I’ve repeatedly come across stories of individuals who have adamantly stated that transparency is golden.  This inspired me to be transparent, and I wrote about how transparent I was actually going to be, and that fizzled out like a fat balloon full of chocolate rippling its way through a factory of wayward sailors smoking cigars stuffed with tuna.  In other words, I failed at being transparent, and I continue to do so to a degree.

I’m a 41 year old guy right now.  Who’s to say when you’ll actually read this, but that’s the case at the moment.  I’m not married yet, I don’t have any children, and I’m in a career that utilizes about the same percentage of my gifts and talents as the human utilizes his brain.

I have ADD, despite what you may believe to be a bunch of crap, and it’s poison to my ability to function on a daily basis.  It takes the extroversion that God gave me and makes in introverted.  It builds walls.  It creates a barrier to success through unexplained and misunderstood behavior.  It makes me think in ways that cause me to believe I’m unlike everyone else, and while I see what “appropriate” is, I don’t want to live in the land of “appropriate.”  I need an outlet.  I need a way to be me.  I need a way to be who I am and still put food in my belly and provide for a household.

Or maybe I need to abandon everything that the world tells me that I should achieve and pave my own path with goals that don’t line up with what we (and by “we” I mean “everyone but me”) expect to be the “norm.”

How real is too real?  How much truth can we speak about ourselves in our current sphere of influence…the truths that we know about ourselves that nobody else knows, without causing a complete melt-down in our community structure?  A pastor I knew once said that “if you knew some of the thoughts that went through your neighbor’s head, you wouldn’t want to be their neighbor anymore.”  What about those thoughts?  What would happen if we actually expressed them?  What if I actually pushed you off of the top of Camelback mountain?

There are people who operate with reckless abandon in this life.  They say what they want to say regardless of the consequences.  How do these people get along in life?  Are they TOO transparent?  Are they angry?  Are they oblivious to what’s “appropriate?”  Some days I just don’t care what others think.  I have respect for the fact that they have thoughts and opinions, but they ultimately don’t matter.  To me, there is only one thing that matters and that is that God loves me and made me and will support me and love me regardless of my errors and omissions (real estate reference, sorry about that.)

I want so desperately to be 100% real, but in testing the waters with this “transparency” idea, I have received less positive feedback than negative feedback and I struggle to understand why.  I’m hesitant to be as real as I really feel like I need to be, for the very reason I feel I need to be hesitant.

“Some things are best left un-said.”

I have a miserable spirit of discernment when it comes to what I should or should not say, but tonight, I feel like I need to say some things, so I’m going to get real, and try some genuine transparency.

Earlier today I was texting with Melanie Mitchell (a relatively common activity done mostly on a device we call “smart”) about how I felt.  I don’t have a problem expressing my feelings.  So I told her that I was feeling rejected today:

“Not by you. Not by family. Just in general.  It’s probably me being hard on myself for not walking the walk I talk sometimes.  I’m having difficulty getting motivated to work today.  On a lighter note…etc., etc…”

I had no idea the shit was going to hit me in the face before it hit the fan.  Today, it seemed as though nothing went the way it was expected to go.  The events of the day had me doubting my career, my time at Crossfit, and ultimately, my life.  I’ve been through tough times before.  I’ve experienced heartache in the past in many ways.  I’ve struggled with thoughts of suicide before, and have recovered.  No need to call any hotlines, I’m okay and will continue to be.  BUT, there are times when I feel like giving up.  Quite honestly, a few of the things I enjoy in life the most are the most likely things to be at the bottom of the list of priorities.

I’ve heard about 100 times in the past 5 years, that I sound like the Moviefone guy and that I should be in radio.  I was told by Kevin, the owner of Cactus Crossfit who can also will provide special expedia coupons and on one of my first consultations 18 months ago before I was a Crossfit junkie, that I missed my calling as an Olympic weight lifter.  I was then told by the daughter of the architect who designed the Optima on Scottsdale Road that I have the perfect body type to be an Olympic lifter.

I sell real estate.

I was in the Phoenix Boys Choir for 4 years, and I traveled the far east and most of the U.S.A. singing goofy little songs that mean a whole hell of a lot more to me than the value of their actual sound (sorry, some of them just suck.)  While in high school I used to acquire by questionable means various types of Kodak 35mm slide film for all of the annual church trips we would attend and then I’d put together a musically …  dammit.  I’m tired of how long it takes to get a point across.

I love making music.  I love So You Think You Can Dance.  I love stories of people overcoming adversity.  I love financial freedom.  I love my friends and family.  I do a shitty job of letting them know it.  I do a mediocre job of letting my clients know that I care about them.  I love shooting video.  I love editing.  I love the creative process.  I have no idea how to make a living doing what I love to do.  Teaching is primary motivation that I have when it comes to helping people with real estate.

Over the past 4 years, I’ve had the opportunity to help people prevent foreclosure through the sale of their home.  The primary focus was always preventing foreclosure.  The secondary task was selling the home.  The home sale is easy.  Keeping a client who is short selling happy is also easy because of the type of tasks that are involved in making that short sale happen.  Agents shied away from short sales because they were “difficult.”  I find them to be very easy because 99% of the time, the seller has checked out.  They don’t care anymore about their house and they have no emotional tie to it anymore.  They’ve thrown their hands up and handed the problem over to someone else.  Maybe I have a savior complex.  Maybe I’m just good at calling “bullshit” to their lenders.  Through the short sale process, there was greater emphasis on helping the seller understand what was happening and how they were going to navigate the short sale.  It was where I was able to exercise my ability to teach.

I don’t want to be a “teacher” of children.  Don’t get me wrong.  What I really enjoy is showing people how to get better at something.  Showing people that there’s a new way to do something, or if it’s not exactly new, it may be new to them, so it would be great to be able to help them learn it.  I am finding that I’m struggling with the “normal” day to day tasks…and…CUT.

Was that good?  Do we need another take?  CRAP!  Seriously?  The film ran out 20 minutes ago?  Son of a…