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In Response to my Sister’s 5 Topics

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My sister may need some counseling, as she has some of the strangest ideas.

I dream of Jeannie executives decided long ago that the general public wasn’t smart enough to realize that blinking actually doesn’t transcend the space-time continuum, yet they persisted in their endeavors and sold millions of dollars worth of advertising.  Strangely, none of the products advertised on the show had anything to do with NASA, even though most of our innovations come from dreamers that dream about science.  It was all magic, Sissy.  She really couldn’t blink men around.

I like your new blankets, but cameras are designed to increase their molecular charge over time, and thank God you didn’t take 7 pictures, as you would have been sucked into a vortex.

Never, ever think about Yoga, let alone a history of journaling about it.  It’s the hardest standing still that one will ever do, and you don’t go anywhere.  You don’t even look like you go anywhere, like on a treadmill.

I was hungry, but then your dog licked you in your mouth.  Imagine what he had just been licking.  Ew!  Not hungry anymore.

On the physics of drilling, to expound upon your idea, I’m not certain why we haven’t just build a tunnel straight through the core of the earth.  You could stand next to the edge and someone malicious could push you in, then when you get to the center, you’d just boing, boing, boing back and forth until you hovered right in the middle, with everyone else who fell in.

Before we send the inmates to the moon, let’s consider placing a 2 foot thick layer of glitter in the moon’s orbit, then before we release the inmates, we would spray them with 3M adhesive spray.  We could call them Moonaments.

Please clarify.  Is ‘chock’ English or Metric?

Dirty Dirty Brandon

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Please excuse me if you find this inappropriate, but life itself can seem inappropriate and therefore worth sharing with the rest of the world.  Last night at our not so regularly scheduled poker game, I was introduced to a white elephant gift that I must share with you.

Please forgive me, but I cracked up when I “read” it…as Brandon explained to me that he “played earlier and, well, you should try it.”

I suppose a picture is worth a thousand words.

For Those Who Don’t Know About History

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The following was sent in an email from an unknown author. If you know the author of this post, please let me know so I can site this entry properly

For those who don’t know about history … here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiti ng for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to  B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.&n bsp;

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history:

It should be note d that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute  truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self…