Personal Journal Entries

Empty the Bag, or Fill the Bowl

April 20, 2009 by admin

Standing at the edge of the island in the middle of her kitchen, I was looking for something to do. I had just chopped 3 onions while a playful young man scooted a bowl around the edge of the circular table while sputtering car noises as though his bowl had an engine of its own. Holding a large, sharp slicing blade, I felt nervous about his speed as he approached over and over again, getting closer to the chopping block ever time. He was diverted by his mother, and soon after that needed discipline for disobedience. She asked me what I thought about little boys who utter defiance at their parents. I was thinking that we should just add him to the chili, cause he’s so delicious, but that’s not what I said. I said that I don’t like it when people yell at me.

Uncle intervened, via telephone.

When she offered me a bag of cheese, she asked me if I would like to put the cheese in the bowl. I responded, “do you want me to empty the bag, or fill the bowl.”

[record scratching sound goes here]

Her response answered my question, but the way she hesitated before offering the answer confused me. Why was that such a difficult question to answer? It took me a good minute to realize that the question I had asked made absolutely no sense. It didn’t make sense to her, and it didn’t make sense to me. But, she was able to answer it regardless.

In the moment, I had no idea what I was trying to say, and then about five minutes after the fact, I figured it out. You see, there was plenty of cheese in the bag, but I didn’t connect that fact right away. My logic was thinking two things. a) either there’s not enough cheese in the bag to fill one bowl, or b) there’s enough cheese in the bag that I would need another bowl. It wasn’t exactly clear to me that there was enough cheese to actually fill the bowl which means that if the assignment was to “fill the bowl” and there wasn’t enough, then I would need to search for more cheese, and if the assignment was to “empty the bag” then it would either not matter if the bowl was full, or I would have to search for another bowl to handle the overflow.

The reason I didn’t know how much cheese was required was directly tied to the lack of experience and knowledge. It may sound like a silly thing, but these little experiences are very important for me. They build confidence, and when I know how to do something, I have more confidence. That’s nothing new for you either, I suppose.

I was helping Susan with Crème brûlée last Christmas for a party at Mike’s house, and when I offered to help, aside from forgetting that I have no idea how to make Crème brûlée, I was given the task of pouring hot milk into a mixer with eggs. I had never done that before, and I really didn’t know why I was supposed to pour it in so slowly. “Am I supposed to do it like this?” I said. “Slower,” she replied…”don’t go so fast,” she assumed I knew why. I didn’t. Now I do. It’s like the first time you learn why you aren’t supposed to pour a cold glass of water into a glass that just came out of the dishwasher.

This thought process of analyzing the bag of cheese and the bowl is an example of a very taxing exercise that my mind goes through in the moment. I think out loud. This becomes a bit of a double edged sword, because it can confuse people who don’t understand how to communicate with me and make them impatient or if I don’t think out loud, I may come across as someone who is non-responsive.

Either way, not understanding how to do something is far greater a challenge than unerstanding that something needs to be done.

I have believed that I have to experience it before I understand it. I am wrong.

Could this pose some pretty serious problems? I think so. If I were to wait around to experience everything I’m not an expert at I would be waiting for ever. Pudding-proof: I’m not married because I thought I had to figure out marriage before doing it. The consequences of pouring the hot milk into the eggs too fast is cooked egg whites. The consequence of getting married before I’m an expert at it is a broken heart.

The committment issues that I face, as cliche as they may sound coming out of any woman’s mouth, had to do with fear of not achieving perfection prior to experience. Just pour the cheese, Jon, and don’t ask questions. If the bowl is too big, the bag will be empty. If the bag is too big, then stop pouring when the bowl is full. It’s that simple.

For a Better, Or a Worse

March 24, 2009 by admin

…part of my life, I have depended upon what other people think, about me, my actions, my talents, my surroundings, and the overall environment I live in.

Existing is a part of life that I can no more understand than the greatest of philosophers, if you should call a philosopher so great. Identity is something that has eluded me for too long, and not being able to put a name to the face has pushed me further and further towards an unbalanced life.

When we first began meeting as a group, prior to our first service, during New Valley’s conception, there was an evening where I was able to eloquently express who I am. If only I could remember the words I spoke that night. I’ll try to explain where I was then.

I am a romantic. I am an artist. I feel deeper than most feel but not without consequence. I speak as I think, but not without consequence. My identity has been defined by the reflection of me in those around me and my perception of their responses to me. But not without consequence.

The result in me has become someone who has depended on others to define what I need to do in my life to be successful as a Man, a Friend, a Son, a Father, a Lover, and a child of God. I am not yet a father, and only recently in life do I feel that I have qualified as a Man. I have been a good Son, and I cannot claim that I have never loved, else I would not feel as I do.

There are people in life who do what they do because they thought it would be cool to do that. There are people in life who do what they do because they don’t see any other way. There are those who would find a passion and pursue it with all of their heart until they reach the pinnacle of their career, only to realize they have nothing. Then there are those, like the previous, who find that passion, live with passion, and learn how to truly live.

I am as human as the next person, and I would assume that the possibly imperfect picture of people that I’ve painted is something you have also noticed in life. I would not assume that you know that someone like myself faces all of these things as well, but with an added challenge of coping with a very real disorder. Attention Deficit Disorder is something that I have, and it is something that I will live with for a better, or for a worse part of my life. Knowing that there is a name to the face, I can pursue a solution, and choose for a better, and finally start listening to me, and trusting in Him.

Proverbs 3:5-6 is a verse in the Bible that is widely known by many, and can be claimed by many as their favorite.

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

⁶ in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

He Just Doesn’t Get It

March 18, 2009 by admin

I have a hard time putting together the information that I’m given unless it has a clear end goal. In a real estate transaction, it’s pretty much a 1-2-3 process from start to finish, with many different potential problems that all have common, repetitive solutions. The hardest part of real estate for me, is maintaining relationships.

The hardest part of relationships, particularly romantic, personal relationships, is communicating effectively. That’s what’s hard for me. It may not be for you. I am intuitive, creative, and intelligent, but the way my brain works is different from others. I’m not saying I’m the only one who is like this. What I am saying is that in order for me to understand what it is that the other person is saying, who may not understand the difficulty I face in piecing together their words, I have to slowly process each thought or statement one at a time. When I say slowly, I mean slowly. I am not a debater. If I have knowledge of how something is supposed to work, then I can recall the solution and present it, but if you pose a question in the heat of the moment that requires me to deconstruct the words, interpret their potential meanings, and re-assemble them into a coherent sentence, and you expect me to do it on the spot, I will tend to explode all over you, without meaning to do so. So, processing this information may take me a few minutes, an hour, or it may take much longer. I have been known to understand what someone has said months after they’ve said it.

My learning style is such that I must dig into something, tear it apart, see it work, and then apply it. Without actually experiencing something, I won’t typically understand it. So, communicating with someone who isn’t in that same mind set is a serious challenge for them as much as it is for me.

When I speak, I’m usually thinking out loud because I need to hear myself say it in order to continue to think about it. If you don’t understand this about me, then you may assume a line of thinking in me that actually doesn’t exist yet. In other words, it’s possible that what I say may be taken as rote when in fact it is merely my way of confirming that what I’m thinking is actually successfully being translated into communicable words. By testing those words against another person, I am able to hear them and gauge their response. The problem is when that other person has no clue about the mechanism in my head that drives this process, they just won’t get it. Moreover, they may feel throughout the relationship that I’m the one not getting it. Actually, it’s both of us that aren’t getting it.

We Aren’t Supposed to Be Broken

March 12, 2009 by admin

The bottom line? Broken relationships hurt.

We Aren’t Supposed to be Broken

I had a Honda Civic years ago, and with Honda’s being one of the world’s most reliable cars, I thought that there would never be a problem with it. I loved how it sat low to the ground, had a fast engine, and a great sound system, and I loved how reliable it was. It never broke down and I depended on it every day to carry me there and back. It never even showed signs of breaking, then one day, it broke. I never saw it coming.

Grinding the Axle

I have been entrepreneurial most of my life. In high school I sold candy before class that I had purchase from Revco. It was very profitable. Every day I would turn 10 suckers for $1.00 into $2.25. Not bad. Not long after that, I purchased a Honda Spree scooter that was pretty beat up for $75.00 and sold it for $300.00 after cleaning it up. Then, I caught wind of a go-cart that was for sale. I had always wanted one and this was a perfect opportunity. $100.00 later, I had a functioning go-cart. At least that’s what I thought.

I was delivering newspaper at the time on a bicycle, and I saw the go-cart as an opportunity to be on the cutting edge. I wasn’t thinking I would be re-selling it, I was thinking about using it as a business asset. And I did. With minimal expense, I had the mini-car up and running as my primary paper delivery vehicle. Never mind how dangerous or illegal it was. What I didn’t know, was that the left rear wheel, which was nothing more than the type of wheel you see on a Home Depot hand cart, was engineered to require two separate bearings, one on each side of the wheel’s hub. Bearings allow the wheel to spin freely while keeping the axle centered so the wheel doesn’t wobble. I only had one bearing, and the inside hub, unbeknownst to me, was rubbing the axle. My go-cart, with which I had a great relationship, was slowly failing over time, and I had no idea it was happening. The wheel was grinding away the axle, which wasn’t a replaceable part. Eventually the wheel fell off and the go-cart was broken, as was my relationship with it.

Wear and tear will do that to a car, or go-kart, and it will also do that to a relationship, especially when we fail to pay attention our own personal maintenance needs. In many cases, maintenance works, but what if there are deeper problems that we don’t even know exist? What if the problems that are causing the grinding are so damaging, that they permanently render the relationship broken?

Building on Sand

Building a relationship with someone requires certain tools and materials. When we start building a house without a foundation, with the wrong tools and the wrong materials, it falls over, and we have to start over again…repeatedly. Until we lay a foundation that can withstand the forces that move against a structure under that structure, it will continue to fall. Even if we build the house out of bent and broken material, if we assemble it in a meaningful and secure way, no matter what happens, the foundation will remain in tact to catch the pieces if they happen to crumble at times. All of us have a store of bent 2×4’s in our lives; past relationships that didn’t work very well, marriages that caved under the pressure, abuse, death in the family, addictions, you name it, we have them. That bent material contributes to the path that we travel on every day.