I believe I have too much worry in my life right now because I think I panic about small things and forget the big picture, and by big picture, I am not referring to God and the cosmos, I am referring to the more immediate big picture. Those things in my life that I should know are not that terrible.
I struggle with the idea of knowing God more because all I believe I can know has been revealed in that which I see every day and the word. If I knew the bible inside and out, perhaps I could better apply the principles to my life when the worries arise, but I’m not a book-smart person. At least, not that type of book. I know how to do things, not how things were done, nor at times do I care about the history of why things are the way they are.
Right now, I know one thing is for sure. My “self-belief” meter is ringing in around about 2 out of a scale of 2 to 10. I’ve been trying to slim down to help my spondy (back thing) cause it flares up once or twice every year and my sciatic nerve becomes evident. I can’t lose a damn pound. I’m working out every day, and nothing is changing. I have a few vices that I haven’t attempted to quit because I’m discouraged day in and day out when I don’t see progress and nobody is there to encourage me, save Audrey Heald, who did a fine job of it last Sunday. Thanks, by the way. I just can’t see through my own misery long enough to be able to see it on my own, and the clouds just shroud my head.
My mother gave me an article about encouragement recently. It says something to the effect of surrounding yourself with encouraging people, because the nay-sayers are your worst enemy. Man they piss me off. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME I CAN’T DO SOMETHING. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DON’T SAY “RIGHT ON, RISK TAKER” WHEN I WANT TO RISK IT ALL.
The bottom line is, I am not in the word enough for it to become part of me. I have basics engrained, but I couldn’t tell you where “this” or “that” is in the bible; I could for a few things maybe. It’s not that I don’t want to be in the word, and I don’t wallow in misery about the fact that I’m not. .
My life is not about managing my sin. It is not about trying to avoid sin. If I keep this perspective, as many Christian Americans do, I will not grow. I must leave that which I have done in the past, in the past, and burn the bridges that need to be burned.