confidence

Empty the Bag, or Fill the Bowl

April 20, 2009 by admin

Standing at the edge of the island in the middle of her kitchen, I was looking for something to do. I had just chopped 3 onions while a playful young man scooted a bowl around the edge of the circular table while sputtering car noises as though his bowl had an engine of its own. Holding a large, sharp slicing blade, I felt nervous about his speed as he approached over and over again, getting closer to the chopping block ever time. He was diverted by his mother, and soon after that needed discipline for disobedience. She asked me what I thought about little boys who utter defiance at their parents. I was thinking that we should just add him to the chili, cause he’s so delicious, but that’s not what I said. I said that I don’t like it when people yell at me.

Uncle intervened, via telephone.

When she offered me a bag of cheese, she asked me if I would like to put the cheese in the bowl. I responded, “do you want me to empty the bag, or fill the bowl.”

[record scratching sound goes here]

Her response answered my question, but the way she hesitated before offering the answer confused me. Why was that such a difficult question to answer? It took me a good minute to realize that the question I had asked made absolutely no sense. It didn’t make sense to her, and it didn’t make sense to me. But, she was able to answer it regardless.

In the moment, I had no idea what I was trying to say, and then about five minutes after the fact, I figured it out. You see, there was plenty of cheese in the bag, but I didn’t connect that fact right away. My logic was thinking two things. a) either there’s not enough cheese in the bag to fill one bowl, or b) there’s enough cheese in the bag that I would need another bowl. It wasn’t exactly clear to me that there was enough cheese to actually fill the bowl which means that if the assignment was to “fill the bowl” and there wasn’t enough, then I would need to search for more cheese, and if the assignment was to “empty the bag” then it would either not matter if the bowl was full, or I would have to search for another bowl to handle the overflow.

The reason I didn’t know how much cheese was required was directly tied to the lack of experience and knowledge. It may sound like a silly thing, but these little experiences are very important for me. They build confidence, and when I know how to do something, I have more confidence. That’s nothing new for you either, I suppose.

I was helping Susan with Crème brûlée last Christmas for a party at Mike’s house, and when I offered to help, aside from forgetting that I have no idea how to make Crème brûlée, I was given the task of pouring hot milk into a mixer with eggs. I had never done that before, and I really didn’t know why I was supposed to pour it in so slowly. “Am I supposed to do it like this?” I said. “Slower,” she replied…”don’t go so fast,” she assumed I knew why. I didn’t. Now I do. It’s like the first time you learn why you aren’t supposed to pour a cold glass of water into a glass that just came out of the dishwasher.

This thought process of analyzing the bag of cheese and the bowl is an example of a very taxing exercise that my mind goes through in the moment. I think out loud. This becomes a bit of a double edged sword, because it can confuse people who don’t understand how to communicate with me and make them impatient or if I don’t think out loud, I may come across as someone who is non-responsive.

Either way, not understanding how to do something is far greater a challenge than unerstanding that something needs to be done.

I have believed that I have to experience it before I understand it. I am wrong.

Could this pose some pretty serious problems? I think so. If I were to wait around to experience everything I’m not an expert at I would be waiting for ever. Pudding-proof: I’m not married because I thought I had to figure out marriage before doing it. The consequences of pouring the hot milk into the eggs too fast is cooked egg whites. The consequence of getting married before I’m an expert at it is a broken heart.

The committment issues that I face, as cliche as they may sound coming out of any woman’s mouth, had to do with fear of not achieving perfection prior to experience. Just pour the cheese, Jon, and don’t ask questions. If the bowl is too big, the bag will be empty. If the bag is too big, then stop pouring when the bowl is full. It’s that simple.

Eyegazing: Overcoming Feelings of Insecurity

April 2, 2009 by admin

The exercise of locking eye to eye with a complete stranger, intentionally, and holding until they break away, is one of those activities that will help you gain self confidence as you are introduced to the shockingly ignored concept that everyone else is just as insecure as you are. As you do this, you will find that your self confidence will immediately receive a boost of energy.

Timothy Ferris in The Four Hour Work Week, Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, And Join the New Rich, talks about this as one of those critical exercises that will help you build self confidence and move you closer to greater success in the pursuit of your Entrepreneurship.

Sitting in Hava Java today, as people meander through, I have taken a few opportunities to lock eyes with people as they walk in. Most people are immediate in how quickly they divert their gaze somewhere else, for who knows what reason. Perhaps they don’t like looking at me, perhaps they’re insecure about being looked at, or perhaps they are just in their own world and don’t notice. A large percentage of the people walking in have sunglasses on, so it makes the exercise impossible, but for those who come in sporting shiny, exposed, eyes, little do they know the trap that I have set.

I’ll have to admit, it’s extremely difficult to fight the temptation to look away first, but so rewarding when you conquer the fear. Don’t try doing it with the same person twice, unless you intend to start up a conversation, which wouldn’t be that bad anyway would it? And, if someone feels uncomfortable enough the first go-around to approach you and ask you what your problem is, as Ferris states, just tell them “I’m sorry, I thought you were an old friend of mine.”

My recent encounter was with a woman who walked in. I locked on to her eyes and held. It was difficult, but I did it, and she looked away. It was at this point that I continued to hold the look. What happened next was completely unexpected. She looked again, and then I could really tell she was nervous. I could also tell that she understood that I had established the upper hand in the exchange and I was the initiator, which boosted my confidence and gave me options.

I will continue to exercise this, and I would recommend that you give it a shot too! It’s a great feeling to overcome insecurity when you realize you’re not the only one who feels insecure.

No one is a failure until he thinks he is

September 8, 2005 by admin

Arcticle originally printed in the Arizona Republic by Harvey Mackay:

Have you ever heard the old fable about when the devil offered all the tools of his trade to anyone who would pay their price? They were spread out on the table, each one labeled — hatred, malice, envy, despair and sickness — all the weapons that everyone knows so well. But off on one side apart from the rest, lay a harmless-looking, wedge-shaped instrument marked discouragement. it was old and worn-looking, but it was priced far above all the rest. When asked why, the devil explained: “Because I can use this one so much more easily than the others. No one knows that it belongs to me, so with it I can open doors that are tightly bolted against the others. Once I get inside, I can use any tool that suites me best.”

A very real problem within all of us that can cause an attitude crash is discouragement. I’ve always gone out of my way to stay away from negative people. I like to surround myself with positive, upbeat people who constantly encourage me.

How can you reach for the stars, go bravely where no man has gone before or climb the highest mountain if you’re discouraged?

Author Glenn Van Ekeren outlines the four pitfalls of discouragement: Discouragement hurts our self-image; causes us to see ourselves as less than we really are; causes us to blame others for our predicament; and causes us to blur the facts.

Dale Carnegie, the eternal optimist, said: “Tell a child, a husband or an employee that he is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, that he has no gift for it, and that he is doing it all wrong and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique, be liberal with encouragement; make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it, and he will practice until the dawn comes in at the window in order to excel.”

One of the greatest novels in American literature was the result of a very discouraging day for the author. Nathaniel Hawthorne had lost his job at a customhouse and went home to break the new to his wife, Sophia. Rather than the reaction he expected she was joyous. “Now you can write your book,” she told him.

Unconvinced, Hawthorne asked her, “And what shall we live on while I am writing it?”

Sophia opened a drawer, which contained a substantial amount of money and told him, “I have always kown that you were a man of genius. I knew that someday you would write a masterpiece.” She went on to explain that she had saved some of the household money each week, and had accumulated enough to last for a year. And with that, Hawthorne set to work on The Scarlett Letter, a novel many of us have read in our high school English classes. And all because Sophia Hawthorne refused to let her husband he discouraged.

In her book The Right Words at the Right TIme, Marlo Thomas tells the story of Shaquille O’Neal, now the superstar center for the NBA’s Miami Heat. When he was 14, he attended a basketball camp expecting to astound the coaches with his brilliance. He had been a star in his San Antonion high school, but at the camp he was just one of many star athletes. Not getting the attention he was accustomed to from the coaches, he began to worry that perhaps he wasn’t good enough to make the grade. His self-confidence took a nosedive.

Discouraged, he turned to his parents for advice. His mother told him: “You must fulfuill your dreams while there’s still room for you to do so. Attack them with a full head of steam. There’s no opportunity like now. This is the time you can show people.”

His confidence almost gone, Shaq told his mother, “I can’t do that right now. Maybe later.” Then, says Shaq, his mother said the words that he remembers changed his life: “Later doesn’t always come to everybody.”

Mackay’s Moral: You aren’t finished when you are defeated; you are finished when you quit.