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Have Sex…Just Wait Until It’s The Right Time

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That’s right. I said it. Have sex. Have lots of sex. Just wait until it’s the right time.

So what’s the right time? Well, that’s a tough question to answer, not because it’s difficult to express what some of us have already decided, but because of the faith system that has prompted us to decide that. But let’s put the God thing on hold for a second. Oh, and before I continue, I’ll mention that these thoughts were prompted by an article I read today at Modern Reject.  In the article, Nicole writes:

Women need sex to feel emotionally connected.  Men need sex to feel loved and desirable.

I agree with this completely.  Unfortunately, I already know that this is true, but let’s not re-live the past.  What’s done is done, and moving forward is the best thing that can happen.

So, if the statement above is true, that women need to feel emotionally connected, and having sex accomplishes that goal, and men accomplish the goal of feeling loved and desirable through sex, then there are a lot of people out there who are stealing a false sense of the very benefits that this wonderful gift we’ve been given is designed to provide before making the commitment to actually do the very things that their partner believes they are receiving.

Huh?  Right.  Okay, so what I mean by this is, if you, woman, are aware that men need sex to feel loved and desirable, and you choose to have sex with a man, yet you don’t love him, and you don’t truly desire him, then you’ve tipped your hand to the fact that you’re probably doing it for your own emotional benefit, not his.  Sex is something that should be given to someone else, not taken from someone else.  Okay guys, so sex feels good, but I’m certain that you’re looking to do more than “conquer the woman” and tell your buddies about it.  I’m certain that deep down inside, you truly do need to feel loved and desirable.  So, if you know, man, that having sex with a woman will make her feel emotionally connected to you, yet you have no desire to be emotionally connected, then you’ve tipped your hand to the fact that you’re more interested in feeling loved yourself than you are connecting with her.

This all works outside of the context of marriage, right?  Make no commitment to her and just live in denial that the sex that you’re having is coming from a place of love and desire on her part, and pretend to connect with her so she feels fulfilled.  It’s all backwards this way.

The argument for or against sex before marriage is old, but so is God.  Look, if you don’t believe in God, then you probably won’t agree with my assessment, which is ultimately this.  Don’t have sex with someone you aren’t prepared to go the long haul with.  Loving someone is a choice.  Feeling loved is part of the package.  If you aren’t prepared to take the good with the bad, then don’t steal what isn’t yours from that person.  By preparation, I’m speaking of marriage…

For me, that’s a God issue.  Since I believe in God, and that he created me, and he created everything, then he also created sex, and the benefits therein, and He probably knows what’s best.  So, when He advises us to wait until we’re married, it’s not because He’ll punish us for going against His best practice, it’s because He wants us to experience it to its fullest, fully prepared for the results, including human duplication, without being dragged through nasty consequences.  Broken hearts, single motherhood, abandoned children, sexually transmitted diseases, bitterness, bitterness, bitterness.

So, while Nicole over at Modern Reject suggests that you have sex even when you’re not in the mood for the health of the marriage, make sure that you’re prepared to do for that woman or man what sex is perceived by that man or woman to do (feeling loved, emotionally connected) for them by making that life long commitment.  Marry her dude.  Then get it in.

But I’ve Already Done It

So what?  Don’t look back, dust yourself off, and aim higher.  Stop doing it.  He or she will understand and respect you more if you express these things.  And, if he or she does not respect you more, and gets angry that you’d rather wait, then you’ve just found out how selfish this person’s behavior is.  And if you’ve gone down that path and already reaped the consequences of what you’ve sown, man up and take care of those responsibilities.  Don’t you want to be in a loving relationship where you’re thinking more about her than you are yourself?  Ladies, wouldn’t it be better to hold off on the fraudulent feeling of emotional connectedness for the sake of being truly connected to your spouse?

I don’t know about you, but as desperate to feel loved and desirable as I can feel sometimes, I’m certainly not going to receive genuine love from a woman who shares herself with everyone she dates, and I can’t be fooled into believing I will, and it’s just not worth it to compromise the one act that God gave us as a metaphor for the depth of the relationship that He wants with us.

Sex is the closest physical manifestation of a spiritual connection to God that we have.  It’s the closest that two human beings can be with each other, and if it’s tainted with the selfish desire of “getting from” than “giving to” then it can easily become something bigger to you than God…which it is not.

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Empty the Bag, or Fill the Bowl

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Standing at the edge of the island in the middle of her kitchen, I was looking for something to do.  I had just chopped 3 onions while a playful young man scooted a bowl around the edge of the circular table while sputtering car noises as though his bowl had an engine of its own.  Holding a large, sharp slicing blade, I felt nervous about his speed as he approached over and over again, getting closer to the chopping block ever time.  He was diverted by his mother, and soon after that needed discipline for disobedience.  She asked me what I thought about little boys who utter defiance at their parents.  I was thinking that we should just add him to the chili, cause he’s so delicious, but that’s not what I said.  I said that I don’t like it when people yell at me.

Uncle intervened, via telephone.

When she offered me a bag of cheese, she asked me if I would like to put the cheese in the bowl.  I responded, “do you want me to empty the bag, or fill the bowl.”

[record scratching sound goes here]

Her response answered my question, but the way she hesitated before offering the answer confused me.  Why was that such a difficult question to answer?  It took me a good minute to realize that the question I had asked made absolutely no sense.  It didn’t make sense to her, and it didn’t make sense to me.  But, she was able to answer it regardless.

In the moment, I had no idea what I was trying to say, and then about five minutes after the fact, I figured it out.  You see, there was plenty of cheese in the bag, but I didn’t connect that fact right away.  My logic was thinking two things.  a) either there’s not enough cheese in the bag to fill one bowl, or b) there’s enough cheese in the bag that I would need another bowl.  It wasn’t exactly clear to me that there was enough cheese to actually fill the bowl which means that if the assignment was to “fill the bowl” and there wasn’t enough, then I would need to search for more cheese, and if the assignment was to “empty the bag” then it would either not matter if the bowl was full, or I would have to search for another bowl to handle the overflow.

The reason I didn’t know how much cheese was required was directly tied to the lack of experience and knowledge.  It may sound like a silly thing, but these little experiences are very important for me.  They build confidence, and when I know how to do something, I have more confidence.  That’s nothing new for you either, I suppose.

I was helping Susan with Crème brûlée last Christmas for a party at Mike’s house, and when I offered to help, aside from forgetting that I have no idea how to make Crème brûlée, I was given the task of pouring hot milk into a mixer with eggs.  I had never done that before, and I really didn’t know why I was supposed to pour it in so slowly.  “Am I supposed to do it like this?” I said.  “Slower,” she replied…”don’t go so fast,” she assumed I knew why.  I didn’t.  Now I do.  It’s like the first time you learn why you aren’t supposed to pour a cold glass of water into a glass that just came out of the dishwasher.

This thought process of analyzing the bag of cheese and the bowl is an example of a very taxing exercise that my mind goes through in the moment.  I think out loud.  This becomes a bit of a double edged sword, because it can confuse people who don’t understand how to communicate with me and make them impatient or if I don’t think out loud, I may come across as someone who is non-responsive.

Either way, not understanding how to do something is far greater a challenge than unerstanding that something needs to be done.

I have believed that I have to experience it before I understand it.  I am wrong.

Could this pose some pretty serious problems?  I think so.  If I were to wait around to experience everything I’m not an expert at I would be waiting for ever.  Pudding-proof:  I’m not married because I thought I had to figure out marriage before doing it.  The consequences of pouring the hot milk into the eggs too fast is cooked egg whites.  The consequence of getting married before I’m an expert at it is a broken heart.

The committment issues that I face, as cliche as they may sound coming out of any woman’s mouth, had to do with fear of not achieving perfection prior to experience.  Just pour the cheese, Jon, and don’t ask questions.  If the bowl is too big, the bag will be empty.  If the bag is too big, then stop pouring when the bowl is full.  It’s that simple.