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Can Men and Women Be Friends?

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There have been many times when I have been presented with this question, or have been in a situation where I have to ask the question of myself.  Is it really possible for men and women to be friends.  The simple answer is yes.  The problem is that we don’t live in a simple world, and inevitably, there is a possibility for it to cause complication.

In my experience, over 38 years of living, I have realized in my life that there is a basic desire to connect with someone emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and of course, physically.  Notice that I place physically at the end, as it is the least important, albeit very important.  None of these things are considered unimportant, but some are much more important to me than others.

As I have discovered, men who have not yet come to terms with their emotions, who have not yet learned how to process their emotions in a healthy way, tend more often than not to have trouble talking about those emotions with other men.  After all, if I have come to terms with how I feel, and I process my emotions in a healthy way, which can include very deep and intimate conversation between myself and another man, yet I am speaking to someone who has not learned these skills, it will be very difficult to expect that person to be able to offer any support.  Most men don’t learn that skill due to our culture.  It’s sad.  Some would say that emotionally, those men are still boys.  I would agree.  I was a boy once and I remember what it was like to be unable to process my emotions in a healthy manner.  Oh, and there is a healthy manner by which emotions can be processed.  Throwing something  through a wall, such as your fist, is not a healthy response to anger.  The evidence is in the destruction of something.  Processing emotions in a healthy manner should not involve destruction.

So, in a culture where more and more men are being raised without the skills to express emotions in a healthy way to each other, it only makes sense that they simply don’t do it.  As a result, male bonding appears on the surface to be unaccompanied by emotional connection, even though that emotional connection is a very real desire.

So what is a man who needs an emotional outlet to do when he has nobody to connect with?

Enter the male/female friendship.  Very much a reality, but with boundaries that are colored with eventual tension, simply because of our biology.  Not every man wants to have sex with every woman, and not every woman wants to feed off of the emotional connection they have with a man.  In fact, men, while we are wired to be more responsive to visual stimuli than audible stimuli, deeply desire an emotional connection, and since we have a hard time doing that with other men, it makes sense to turn to a woman.  Women are naturally better at processing emotions.  After all, women face a completely different world of emotional growth, being very open with one another about how they feel.  Guys, the ladies practice this stuff their entire lives.  They get it.

So is it healthy for a man and a woman to carry on a friendship one on one?  Simple answer?  Of course.  But there are certain relationship dynamics that enter into the equation that can turn that simple answer into a very complicated answer.

We’ve established that the core of the male/female friendship is built upon common interests that aid in the development of an emotional connection.  Why else would a man and a woman be friends?  Why else, for that matter, would anyone have a relationship but to develop an emotional bond with that person.  We’ve also established that many men aren’t particularly good at expressing themselves emotionally, but still desire that connection.  We also know that women enjoy a man who is open and willing to express his emotions about common topics.

So the next question I’ll pose is this.  In the context of a romantic relationship between two people, is carrying on a one-on-one relationship with someone of the opposite sex outside of that romantic relationship possible?  Yes.  Obviously.  Is it healthy?  It can be, but it can also be dangerous to the romantic relationship.  Whether or not it becomes toxic to the relationship depends on many variables.  For instance, is it a business relationship?  Is it a casual acquaintance?  Is the friend healthy?  And what are their motives?  Are both you and your significant other friends with this person, or is this an exclusive relationship?

In an open and honest and loving, trusting relationship, two people will share with each other everything that happens in their lives.  They won’t hold out on account of “protecting” their partner from information that could be potentially toxic to the very bond that has been created in the romantic relationship.  In fact, withholding could begin a long process of destructive patterns that will tear a long-developed fabric of trust.  When one person develops an emotional relationship outside of a romance with someone of the opposite sex, it’s highly likely that their partner is going to experience feelings of rejection, inadequacy, and betrayal.

It takes a very unique set of boundaries between 3 people, two of which are romantically involved, for that third person to be a part of the micro community without causing problems for the romance.  All 3 people need to be clear on each others boundaries and expectations.  A married man who meets with an unmarried or married woman outside of the home is likely to be at risk of developing an emotional bond with that woman that will damage his marriage, and potentially her marriage if she’s not single.  This is not rocket science.  It’s romance.

Exclusivity with someone of the opposite sex, in any way, shape or form, can be easily interpreted as potential romance.  If it’s not going to be romance, many times one of the two will know this, and the other will not, and someone gets hurt.  Male/Female friendships that have no potential for romance are more scarce than those that do, which makes this a very delicate topic that needs to be discussed in a very productive and healthy, respectful way.

If I am in a romantic relationship, I don’t believe it is appropriate for me to accept an invitation from a woman to meet one on one unless it is to serve a purpose outside of developing a personal bond with that woman.  I want my spouse to know what’s going on in my life.  I don’t want to keep secrets from her, and I want her to feel like she is a priority to me, second to God.  If I divert my focus, or give the appearance that my focus is diverted away from her, then I may run the risk of hurting her deeply.

In a mentoring situation, I don’t have a problem until it becomes a problem.  When it does become a problem, it’s time to put on the brakes, re-evaluate the purpose of the relationship, consider how it may affect the one you love, and make the right decision no matter how hard it would be.  Protect your home (meaning, your heart and your significant other’s heart) at all costs, from toxicity through the interaction between you and someone of the opposite sex.  Make sure you’re both on the same page, and discuss openly the way you feel without pointing your finger at the other, or playing the blame game.  These are not healthy ways to communicate.  When your partner expresses how he or she feels, let them feel.  Don’t assume you know why they feel the way they do.  After all, they are the one experiencing the emotion.  Don’t interrupt them and don’t presume to know what they’re thinking or feeling.  Learn to listen.  If they aren’t good at expressing their feelings in a healthy way, then it might be time to seek outside counsel to learn more productive ways to respond, or perhaps it’s time to recognize that the person with isn’t healthy at all.  If you discover this, perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate yourself to determine why you would be attracted to them in the first place.

I don’t believe that Harry was right about relationships when he told Sally that all male/female friendships end up sexual.  I think it’s very likely that it could reach that point, but it doesn’t have to be that way.  If you want to have male friends, I don’t have a problem with it.  If you want to keep that friendship compartmentalized and not include me, I’m not okay with it, as I would expect from you the very respect that I give you.

To sum up my thoughts:

A friendship with the opposite sex can become the solvent to the glue that holds a romantic relationship together.  Be very careful with the heart of the one you love, and don’t let someone else drive a wedge between you and that person.

Eyegazing: Overcoming Feelings of Insecurity

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The exercise of locking eye to eye with a complete stranger, intentionally, and holding until they break away, is one of those activities that will help you gain self confidence as you are introduced to the shockingly ignored concept that everyone else is just as insecure as you are.  As you do this, you will find that your self confidence will immediately receive a boost of energy.

Timothy Ferris in The Four Hour Work Week, Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, And Join the New Rich, talks about this as one of those critical exercises that will help you build self confidence and move you closer to greater success in the pursuit of your Entrepreneurship.

Sitting in Hava Java today, as people meander through, I have taken a few opportunities to lock eyes with people as they walk in.  Most people are immediate in how quickly they divert their gaze somewhere else, for who knows what reason.  Perhaps they don’t like looking at me, perhaps they’re insecure about being looked at, or perhaps they are just in their own world and don’t notice.  A large percentage of the people walking in have sunglasses on, so it makes the exercise impossible, but for those who come in sporting shiny, exposed, eyes, little do they know the trap that I have set.

I’ll have to admit, it’s extremely difficult to fight the temptation to look away first, but so rewarding when you conquer the fear.  Don’t try doing it with the same person twice, unless you intend to start up a conversation, which wouldn’t be that bad anyway would it?  And, if someone feels uncomfortable enough the first go-around to approach you and ask you what your problem is, as Ferris states, just tell them “I’m sorry, I thought you were an old friend of mine.”

My recent encounter was with a woman who walked in.  I locked on to her eyes and held.  It was difficult, but I did it, and she looked away.  It was at this point that I continued to hold the look.  What happened next was completely unexpected.  She looked again, and then I could really tell she was nervous.  I could also tell that she understood that I had established the upper hand in the exchange and I was the initiator, which boosted my confidence and gave me options.

I will continue to exercise this, and I would recommend that you give it a shot too!  It’s a great feeling to overcome insecurity when you realize you’re not the only one who feels insecure.

Borrowing Your Life Away

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One For One Exchange

Imagine two men in a field, each holding something the other needs.  Both men put a reasonable amount of time into acquiring the items.  Eventually they will come to an agreement about them and will exchange the items.  The value placed on each item is called utility, which is a measure of the relative satisfaction one derives from a good or service.  In this particular example, neither men will be exchanging more than just the item, which means no monetary value can be placed on them.  In fact, the reason they are both willing to part with their item, is because of the perception that each of them will increase their utility through the exchange.  If both men believe their utility will increase, then we’ll probably see an even trade where both men will walk away satisfied.  It also may indicate that they are the only two people interested in those items, and that there may be no way to measure a market value based on a currency system.

One For Many Exchange

Let’s give these two characters a name.  We’ll call them Joe and Bill.  In this instance, when Joe and Bill meet, Joe sees that Bill has something that he could really use, which would increase Joe’s utility significantly, but Bill looks at what Joe has and decides that he could use what Joe has, but doesn’t necessarily need it, and isn’t really excited about it.  Bill’s utility isn’t going to increase much.  Something has to give at this point.  This is where negotiation comes in.  It’s likely that Joe is going to have to offer more than just his item to Bill in order to get Bill to make the exchange.  So, Joe gives Bill his item plus a few other things, or perhaps whatever is being used in that day for currency.  Of course, we have to consider that in times when government has failed, people revert to a system of bartering, where goods and services become the currency until a government that the people can trust defines a new monetary system.

In the U.S., we have our American dollar, and we agree that it holds value, but it rests upon nothing.  Not even gold.  If you think about the value of Gold, remind yourself of the last time any civilization traded Gold when the economy failed.  It hasn’t happened for many centuries, and won’t happen in the future.  Dave Ramsey spoke about this in one of his recent podcasts, outlining that the most recent brush with a completely failed economy that we have seen was what happened in New Orleans after the hurricane.  You didn’t see people trading gold, you saw them trading goods and services.  You give me a gallon of water, I give you a gallon of gas, etc.

Many For Many Exchange

The many for many exchange is just a bloated form of the  One for One exchange where it simply takes more items to reach a one to one exchange.  I’ll trade you this, this, and this for that, that, and that.  More volume, but balanced out, just like all of the exchanges.  Again, as long as there is a perceived increase in utility for both parties to the transaction, then the details of the transaction just become pieces on the balancing scale of negotiation.

Borrowing Your Life Away

The three examples above are very basic micro economic facts of life.  There’s one common theme that runs throughout, however, and that’s that the exchanges that took place above assumed that each participant actually had something to trade.  They had worked hard to find what they needed to trade, and when they found someone with which to trade, they succeeded, and walked away from the transaction happy.  Each item was owned by the other.

But what if you were standing in the middle of that field and you wanted something the other person had, yet you had nothing to offer in return, except your word that you would eventually return something to them that may satisfy them?  What would they be thinking?  They might look at this situation and think that there’s a greater opportunity to them increase utility through this transaction than if we simply traded up front.  What happens?  Well, in this case, Joe offers to Bill an item that Bill cannot pay for now, in exchange for a greater payment later, because both are now bound by time.  Bill is now obligated to increase Joe’s utility over a longer period of time, and Joe has to wait to be paid, and may be tempted to skim as much as possible because Bill isn’t going to be able to pay him right away.  Bill may have a percieved increase in utility for the “new car” he just bought, but it’s short term, because Bill has forgotten that he has agreed to pay far more than he believes the item is actually worth to him, all for the sake of having it now, for just a little bit, instead of later, for the full value.

Welcome to debt.  The bible talks about this in Proverbs 22:7 – “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.”  When was the last time you chose to be someone’s slave?  There is a simple solution to debt.  It’s called savings.  The reason you may be in debt is because you are not patient enough to save.  When you borrow money, you pay more than you should pay for something, and you lock yourself into a pattern of slavery until you pay off the debt.

Why Do I Keep Forgetting So Much

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Last Sunday, while I was sitting in a money class, preparing to be coached on being a coach, I watched as one instructor mentioned to another that it would be helpful to give the coaches a list of preferred counselors to handle issues that we would not be qualified to handle.  Lawyers, marriage counselors, psychologists, etc., would probably be needed at some point to handle deeper issues that certain people may have regarding their finances.

Upon requesting this information, the other instructor promptly wrote it down, and my first thought was, “He’s doing that because he needs to remember to respond to a call to action.  Hmm…that’s quite mature of him.  Why do I feel like I avoid doing this?”

What I thought next was how quickly in life we are to “forget” things that we would rather have others think we’re to incompetent to handle simply because we don’t want to make the committment to handle the problem because it will be too much work, or will stretch us further than we intended to be stretched.  So, we don’t write it down.

I have lived like this for a long time.  I will forget things intentionally without even knowing it because I’ve gotten so good at it.  But, the time has come to acknowledge this as a weakness and take proactive steps to correct the behavior, as now I am not the only one who depends on me.  Other people depend on me, and stepping up my level of commitment to something is, I believe, critical to continuing to develop in a positive direction.  Whether it be responding to a call to help others, or something as big as getting married, making a commitment is something that I have been very selfish about.

I have trained my brain to forget selectively.  My argument may be that ‘I forget things’ but the truth of the matter is, if I put my mind to it, I can remember anything I want.  Instead, I typically will choose to remember things that I find more interesting, but may not be that beneficial to me.

No matter what I do in my mind, if I don’t write something down when I think about it, I will forget it.  When I come up with a great tune on the piano, if I don’t record it now, right there in the moment, it will be lost.  If I think of a great lyric, or think of an award winning million dollar idea, and I don’t write it down, it will never come to fruition.  Overcoming the fear of success can only be done by forging ahead through the hard committments and actually doing the hard work that it takes to become a success.  Imagine how many products or hit songs have passed through my mind that have not paid off because I’ve been too lazy to make them permanent in some way.

For someone like myself who has all of the classic symptoms of what they call Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD or ADHD), I have had to come up with creative ways to keep myself aware that I have something to remember.  For instance, when I bring my laptop into someone else’s house so that it is not sitting in my car, I must set my car keys next to it, otherwise I risk leaving without it.  I would have normally left the laptop in the car, but I’m tired of taking that risk.  I would rather have my laptop left behind than have it stolen from my car.  Harvey Mackay, in a column titled Put Your Memory to Work for You, writes the following:

I use what I call the original “Palm Pilot”—when I have urgent things to remember, I write key words on my hands! I also move my watch from my left arm to my right arm, signaling me that I have something important to do. If I’m going to a party or special event, I might request a guest list in advance and study who is going to be there to trigger my memory.

Tampering With the Habit

Since I am as much of a creature of habit as you are, I find myself operating day to day doing the same things over and over again.  To be specific, there are habits that I have developed when I get into and out of my car.  The order of operations to stopping, putting the car in park, grabbing the keys, the phone, and anything else usually never changes.  But when it does…when there’s something that occurs that tampers with the habit, it seems to short circuit key elements.  Every time I have had to lift something out of the passenger seat with two hands, I have locked my keys in my car.  I have corrected this consciously over time, but a few years ago, this was a real problem for me.  If any of the typical habits that I have in my life are interrupted in any way, something unexpected happens, and unexpected things can be extremely annoying because they disrupt the day.

Remembering something for me has been a matter of interest and repetition.  Today I was sitting at the Coffee Plantation with Susan Gruenling of SonoranHouse.com and we were attempting to solve an e-mail problem with her iPhone.  Through the process, we were given specific settings from the server administrator that we had to repeat over and over again until we got the setup right.  After the first 3 times entering the number, I was surprised to see that Susan had committed the numbers to memory.  I had too…repetition and association works, but it takes work to make it work.

Is There Really Something More…?

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We’re obsessed as a nation and as a people with the idea that there’s more to life than what we have and we feel we cannot be satisfied with what we have until we’ve had more; that there’s a dissatisfaction with the concept of destiny, or a path that’s already been written for us, and we fight against it, thinking that we’re missing out on something else.  I am as human as you are, and I too feel at times like there is something in life that I am missing out on.  However, in my heart of hearts, I know that I am who I am supposed to be, I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and nothing can change what’s going to happen to me next anymore than I can predict it.

I find great comfort and peace in the idea that my life, from beginning to end, has been written out for me and that I’m along for the ride.  Like a roller coaster (which we can choose to ride or not, unlike being born,) we can either kick and scream and live fearfully throughout the entire ride, or we can smile in excitement at every twist and turn, bump and bang, knowing that eventually the ride will settle.  The funny thing about a roller coaster is that the track never changes, and if you find that the ride is too terrifying, and you don’t get off, you’ll be going around for another.  But regarding life’s events, do I have a choice in the matter?  Well, sort of.

The idea that we have a choice in what happens to us doesn’t fit very well into my life.  In fact, to say that we have any control over what happens to us, seems incomprehensible to me.  I am far more apt to ask the question “why me” after something adverse happens to me that is out of my control.  But why would I want to live in that state?  Why would I want to hold so tightly to the idea that I’m in control of what happens if it leads to me being angry about what hasn’t happened yet?

The very fact that I imply that some things are out of my control and some things are within my control seems to negate the idea that we have no choice.  Let me clarify.

I believe I can choose.  I believe that I can choose to act on a calling in my life.  I believe that I can choose to respond to something that happens to me.  I also believe that when I look at my life as though there’s more available than I am getting out of it, that I’m dissatisfied with what I have, then I am failing to appreciate what I have, and begin to subscribe to the Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda in life.

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”

-Phillipians 4:12

“Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ ”

-Hebrews 13:5

I understand that you may not believe what the Bible reads.  I do believe it, completely, as off the wall odd as it may seem to some of you, and it is my toolbox to handle any life-task at hand.

If I look at life in the shoulda, coulda, woulda way, I most likely experience overwhelming debt, selfishness, and dissatisfaction.  But, when I let go of controlling my destiny, when I let go of the idea that I have control over the uncontrolled, I can use my ability to choose for better things like reacting in a healthy way to what I cannot control, and I believe I become more apt to give, and no matter how much money I have, or make, or how many things I accumulate, if I cannot give to the world something of value greater than money, then I have not lived.

So Is There Really Something More?

Yes, I trust there is, but I can’t tell you where to go to get it because it comes from a place that exists outside of this world, and I’m not attempting to draft you into a new comet-chasing cult.  I believe that very thing that we yearn for deep down inside is God.  I think we all have a God-shaped hole in our heart that we seek to fill with things that are temporary.  Sure, we’re temporary in body, but what about our spirit?  What about our Soul?  How can one reconcile the concept of nothing after death?  There is something so much more in my life that keeps me looking forward instead of looking back, that lifts me up from the ashes and draws me towards Glory.  That thing is the peace that transcends all of my own worldly understanding, which I cannot explain, that leads me to do as much of what’s good as my bones can manage before falling again to the inevitable sin that comes from inside of me.  There is something more, and I have it now.  It’s not something I need to go looking for.

“You broke the bonds, and loosed the chains, carried the cross, of all my shame…

…but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”  – U2

In a spiritual sense, I have found everything I am looking for, but my conscious existence, my flesh on this planet still cries out for more.  And thus I move forward without the shame of the past.