marriage

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

December 31, 2011 by admin

There have been many times when I have been presented with this question, or have been in a situation where I have to ask the question of myself. Is it really possible for men and women to be friends. The simple answer is yes. The problem is that we don’t live in a simple world, and inevitably, there is a possibility for it to cause complication.

In my experience, over 38 years of living, I have realized in my life that there is a basic desire to connect with someone emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and of course, physically. Notice that I place physically at the end, as it is the least important, albeit very important. None of these things are considered unimportant, but some are much more important to me than others.

As I have discovered, men who have not yet come to terms with their emotions, who have not yet learned how to process their emotions in a healthy way, tend more often than not to have trouble talking about those emotions with other men. After all, if I have come to terms with how I feel, and I process my emotions in a healthy way, which can include very deep and intimate conversation between myself and another man, yet I am speaking to someone who has not learned these skills, it will be very difficult to expect that person to be able to offer any support. Most men don’t learn that skill due to our culture. It’s sad. Some would say that emotionally, those men are still boys. I would agree. I was a boy once and I remember what it was like to be unable to process my emotions in a healthy manner. Oh, and there is a healthy manner by which emotions can be processed. Throwing something through a wall, such as your fist, is not a healthy response to anger. The evidence is in the destruction of something. Processing emotions in a healthy manner should not involve destruction.

So, in a culture where more and more men are being raised without the skills to express emotions in a healthy way to each other, it only makes sense that they simply don’t do it. As a result, male bonding appears on the surface to be unaccompanied by emotional connection, even though that emotional connection is a very real desire.

So what is a man who needs an emotional outlet to do when he has nobody to connect with?

Enter the male/female friendship. Very much a reality, but with boundaries that are colored with eventual tension, simply because of our biology. Not every man wants to have sex with every woman, and not every woman wants to feed off of the emotional connection they have with a man. In fact, men, while we are wired to be more responsive to visual stimuli than audible stimuli, deeply desire an emotional connection, and since we have a hard time doing that with other men, it makes sense to turn to a woman. Women are naturally better at processing emotions. After all, women face a completely different world of emotional growth, being very open with one another about how they feel. Guys, the ladies practice this stuff their entire lives. They get it.

So is it healthy for a man and a woman to carry on a friendship one on one? Simple answer? Of course. But there are certain relationship dynamics that enter into the equation that can turn that simple answer into a very complicated answer.

We’ve established that the core of the male/female friendship is built upon common interests that aid in the development of an emotional connection. Why else would a man and a woman be friends? Why else, for that matter, would anyone have a relationship but to develop an emotional bond with that person. We’ve also established that many men aren’t particularly good at expressing themselves emotionally, but still desire that connection. We also know that women enjoy a man who is open and willing to express his emotions about common topics.

So the next question I’ll pose is this. In the context of a romantic relationship between two people, is carrying on a one-on-one relationship with someone of the opposite sex outside of that romantic relationship possible? Yes. Obviously. Is it healthy? It can be, but it can also be dangerous to the romantic relationship. Whether or not it becomes toxic to the relationship depends on many variables. For instance, is it a business relationship? Is it a casual acquaintance? Is the friend healthy? And what are their motives? Are both you and your significant other friends with this person, or is this an exclusive relationship?

In an open and honest and loving, trusting relationship, two people will share with each other everything that happens in their lives. They won’t hold out on account of “protecting” their partner from information that could be potentially toxic to the very bond that has been created in the romantic relationship. In fact, withholding could begin a long process of destructive patterns that will tear a long-developed fabric of trust. When one person develops an emotional relationship outside of a romance with someone of the opposite sex, it’s highly likely that their partner is going to experience feelings of rejection, inadequacy, and betrayal.

It takes a very unique set of boundaries between 3 people, two of which are romantically involved, for that third person to be a part of the micro community without causing problems for the romance. All 3 people need to be clear on each others boundaries and expectations. A married man who meets with an unmarried or married woman outside of the home is likely to be at risk of developing an emotional bond with that woman that will damage his marriage, and potentially her marriage if she’s not single. This is not rocket science. It’s romance.

Exclusivity with someone of the opposite sex, in any way, shape or form, can be easily interpreted as potential romance. If it’s not going to be romance, many times one of the two will know this, and the other will not, and someone gets hurt. Male/Female friendships that have no potential for romance are more scarce than those that do, which makes this a very delicate topic that needs to be discussed in a very productive and healthy, respectful way.

If I am in a romantic relationship, I don’t believe it is appropriate for me to accept an invitation from a woman to meet one on one unless it is to serve a purpose outside of developing a personal bond with that woman. I want my spouse to know what’s going on in my life. I don’t want to keep secrets from her, and I want her to feel like she is a priority to me, second to God. If I divert my focus, or give the appearance that my focus is diverted away from her, then I may run the risk of hurting her deeply.

In a mentoring situation, I don’t have a problem until it becomes a problem. When it does become a problem, it’s time to put on the brakes, re-evaluate the purpose of the relationship, consider how it may affect the one you love, and make the right decision no matter how hard it would be. Protect your home (meaning, your heart and your significant other’s heart) at all costs, from toxicity through the interaction between you and someone of the opposite sex. Make sure you’re both on the same page, and discuss openly the way you feel without pointing your finger at the other, or playing the blame game. These are not healthy ways to communicate. When your partner expresses how he or she feels, let them feel. Don’t assume you know why they feel the way they do. After all, they are the one experiencing the emotion. Don’t interrupt them and don’t presume to know what they’re thinking or feeling. Learn to listen. If they aren’t good at expressing their feelings in a healthy way, then it might be time to seek outside counsel to learn more productive ways to respond, or perhaps it’s time to recognize that the person with isn’t healthy at all. If you discover this, perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate yourself to determine why you would be attracted to them in the first place.

I don’t believe that Harry was right about relationships when he told Sally that all male/female friendships end up sexual. I think it’s very likely that it could reach that point, but it doesn’t have to be that way. If you want to have male friends, I don’t have a problem with it. If you want to keep that friendship compartmentalized and not include me, I’m not okay with it, as I would expect from you the very respect that I give you.

To sum up my thoughts:

A friendship with the opposite sex can become the solvent to the glue that holds a romantic relationship together. Be very careful with the heart of the one you love, and don’t let someone else drive a wedge between you and that person.

Have Sex…Just Wait Until It’s The Right Time

December 29, 2010 by admin

That’s right. I said it. Have sex. Have lots of sex. Just wait until it’s the right time.

So what’s the right time? Well, that’s a tough question to answer, not because it’s difficult to express what some of us have already decided, but because of the faith system that has prompted us to decide that. But let’s put the God thing on hold for a second. Oh, and before I continue, I’ll mention that these thoughts were prompted by an article I read today at Modern Reject. In the article, Nicole writes:

Women need sex to feel emotionally connected. Men need sex to feel loved and desirable.

I agree with this completely. Unfortunately, I already know that this is true, but let’s not re-live the past. What’s done is done, and moving forward is the best thing that can happen.

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So, if the statement above is true, that women need to feel emotionally connected, and having sex accomplishes that goal, and men accomplish the goal of feeling loved and desirable through sex, then there are a lot of people out there who are stealing a false sense of the very benefits that this wonderful gift we’ve been given is designed to provide before making the commitment to actually do the very things that their partner believes they are receiving.

Huh? Right. Okay, so what I mean by this is, if you, woman, are aware that men need sex to feel loved and desirable, and you choose to have sex with a man, yet you don’t love him, and you don’t truly desire him, then you’ve tipped your hand to the fact that you’re probably doing it for your own emotional benefit, not his. Sex is something that should be given to someone else, not taken from someone else. Okay guys, so sex feels good, but I’m certain that you’re looking to do more than “conquer the woman” and tell your buddies about it. I’m certain that deep down inside, you truly do need to feel loved and desirable. So, if you know, man, that having sex with a woman will make her feel emotionally connected to you, yet you have no desire to be emotionally connected, then you’ve tipped your hand to the fact that you’re more interested in feeling loved yourself than you are connecting with her.

This all works outside of the context of marriage, right? Make no commitment to her and just live in denial that the sex that you’re having is coming from a place of love and desire on her part, and pretend to connect with her so she feels fulfilled. It’s all backwards this way.

The argument for or against sex before marriage is old, but so is God. Look, if you don’t believe in God, then you probably won’t agree with my assessment, which is ultimately this. Don’t have sex with someone you aren’t prepared to go the long haul with. Loving someone is a choice. Feeling loved is part of the package. If you aren’t prepared to take the good with the bad, then don’t steal what isn’t yours from that person. By preparation, I’m speaking of marriage…

For me, that’s a God issue. Since I believe in God, and that he created me, and he created everything, then he also created sex, and the benefits therein, and He probably knows what’s best. So, when He advises us to wait until we’re married, it’s not because He’ll punish us for going against His best practice, it’s because He wants us to experience it to its fullest, fully prepared for the results, including human duplication, without being dragged through nasty consequences. Broken hearts, single motherhood, abandoned children, sexually transmitted diseases, bitterness, bitterness, bitterness.

So, while Nicole over at Modern Reject suggests that you have sex even when you’re not in the mood for the health of the marriage, make sure that you’re prepared to do for that woman or man what sex is perceived by that man or woman to do (feeling loved, emotionally connected) for them by making that life long commitment. Marry her dude. Then get it in.

But I’ve Already Done It

So what? Don’t look back, dust yourself off, and aim higher. Stop doing it. He or she will understand and respect you more if you express these things. And, if he or she does not respect you more, and gets angry that you’d rather wait, then you’ve just found out how selfish this person’s behavior is. And if you’ve gone down that path and already reaped the consequences of what you’ve sown, man up and take care of those responsibilities. Don’t you want to be in a loving relationship where you’re thinking more about her than you are yourself? Ladies, wouldn’t it be better to hold off on the fraudulent feeling of emotional connectedness for the sake of being truly connected to your spouse?

I don’t know about you, but as desperate to feel loved and desirable as I can feel sometimes, I’m certainly not going to receive genuine love from a woman who shares herself with everyone she dates, and I can’t be fooled into believing I will, and it’s just not worth it to compromise the one act that God gave us as a metaphor for the depth of the relationship that He wants with us.

Sex is the closest physical manifestation of a spiritual connection to God that we have. It’s the closest that two human beings can be with each other, and if it’s tainted with the selfish desire of “getting from” than “giving to” then it can easily become something bigger to you than God…which it is not.

Empty the Bag, or Fill the Bowl

April 20, 2009 by admin

Standing at the edge of the island in the middle of her kitchen, I was looking for something to do. I had just chopped 3 onions while a playful young man scooted a bowl around the edge of the circular table while sputtering car noises as though his bowl had an engine of its own. Holding a large, sharp slicing blade, I felt nervous about his speed as he approached over and over again, getting closer to the chopping block ever time. He was diverted by his mother, and soon after that needed discipline for disobedience. She asked me what I thought about little boys who utter defiance at their parents. I was thinking that we should just add him to the chili, cause he’s so delicious, but that’s not what I said. I said that I don’t like it when people yell at me.

Uncle intervened, via telephone.

When she offered me a bag of cheese, she asked me if I would like to put the cheese in the bowl. I responded, “do you want me to empty the bag, or fill the bowl.”

[record scratching sound goes here]

Her response answered my question, but the way she hesitated before offering the answer confused me. Why was that such a difficult question to answer? It took me a good minute to realize that the question I had asked made absolutely no sense. It didn’t make sense to her, and it didn’t make sense to me. But, she was able to answer it regardless.

In the moment, I had no idea what I was trying to say, and then about five minutes after the fact, I figured it out. You see, there was plenty of cheese in the bag, but I didn’t connect that fact right away. My logic was thinking two things. a) either there’s not enough cheese in the bag to fill one bowl, or b) there’s enough cheese in the bag that I would need another bowl. It wasn’t exactly clear to me that there was enough cheese to actually fill the bowl which means that if the assignment was to “fill the bowl” and there wasn’t enough, then I would need to search for more cheese, and if the assignment was to “empty the bag” then it would either not matter if the bowl was full, or I would have to search for another bowl to handle the overflow.

The reason I didn’t know how much cheese was required was directly tied to the lack of experience and knowledge. It may sound like a silly thing, but these little experiences are very important for me. They build confidence, and when I know how to do something, I have more confidence. That’s nothing new for you either, I suppose.

I was helping Susan with Crème brûlée last Christmas for a party at Mike’s house, and when I offered to help, aside from forgetting that I have no idea how to make Crème brûlée, I was given the task of pouring hot milk into a mixer with eggs. I had never done that before, and I really didn’t know why I was supposed to pour it in so slowly. “Am I supposed to do it like this?” I said. “Slower,” she replied…”don’t go so fast,” she assumed I knew why. I didn’t. Now I do. It’s like the first time you learn why you aren’t supposed to pour a cold glass of water into a glass that just came out of the dishwasher.

This thought process of analyzing the bag of cheese and the bowl is an example of a very taxing exercise that my mind goes through in the moment. I think out loud. This becomes a bit of a double edged sword, because it can confuse people who don’t understand how to communicate with me and make them impatient or if I don’t think out loud, I may come across as someone who is non-responsive.

Either way, not understanding how to do something is far greater a challenge than unerstanding that something needs to be done.

I have believed that I have to experience it before I understand it. I am wrong.

Could this pose some pretty serious problems? I think so. If I were to wait around to experience everything I’m not an expert at I would be waiting for ever. Pudding-proof: I’m not married because I thought I had to figure out marriage before doing it. The consequences of pouring the hot milk into the eggs too fast is cooked egg whites. The consequence of getting married before I’m an expert at it is a broken heart.

The committment issues that I face, as cliche as they may sound coming out of any woman’s mouth, had to do with fear of not achieving perfection prior to experience. Just pour the cheese, Jon, and don’t ask questions. If the bowl is too big, the bag will be empty. If the bag is too big, then stop pouring when the bowl is full. It’s that simple.

Why Do I Keep Forgetting So Much

February 26, 2009 by admin

Last Sunday, while I was sitting in a money class, preparing to be coached on being a coach, I watched as one instructor mentioned to another that it would be helpful to give the coaches a list of preferred counselors to handle issues that we would not be qualified to handle. Lawyers, marriage counselors, psychologists, etc., would probably be needed at some point to handle deeper issues that certain people may have regarding their finances.

Upon requesting this information, the other instructor promptly wrote it down, and my first thought was, “He’s doing that because he needs to remember to respond to a call to action. Hmm…that’s quite mature of him. Why do I feel like I avoid doing this?”

What I thought next was how quickly in life we are to “forget” things that we would rather have others think we’re to incompetent to handle simply because we don’t want to make the committment to handle the problem because it will be too much work, or will stretch us further than we intended to be stretched. So, we don’t write it down.

I have lived like this for a long time. I will forget things intentionally without even knowing it because I’ve gotten so good at it. But, the time has come to acknowledge this as a weakness and take proactive steps to correct the behavior, as now I am not the only one who depends on me. Other people depend on me, and stepping up my level of commitment to something is, I believe, critical to continuing to develop in a positive direction. Whether it be responding to a call to help others, or something as big as getting married, making a commitment is something that I have been very selfish about.

I have trained my brain to forget selectively. My argument may be that ‘I forget things’ but the truth of the matter is, if I put my mind to it, I can remember anything I want. Instead, I typically will choose to remember things that I find more interesting, but may not be that beneficial to me.

No matter what I do in my mind, if I don’t write something down when I think about it, I will forget it. When I come up with a great tune on the piano, if I don’t record it now, right there in the moment, it will be lost. If I think of a great lyric, or think of an award winning million dollar idea, and I don’t write it down, it will never come to fruition. Overcoming the fear of success can only be done by forging ahead through the hard committments and actually doing the hard work that it takes to become a success. Imagine how many products or hit songs have passed through my mind that have not paid off because I’ve been too lazy to make them permanent in some way.

For someone like myself who has all of the classic symptoms of what they call Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD or ADHD), I have had to come up with creative ways to keep myself aware that I have something to remember. For instance, when I bring my laptop into someone else’s house so that it is not sitting in my car, I must set my car keys next to it, otherwise I risk leaving without it. I would have normally left the laptop in the car, but I’m tired of taking that risk. I would rather have my laptop left behind than have it stolen from my car. Harvey Mackay, in a column titled Put Your Memory to Work for You, writes the following:

I use what I call the original “Palm Pilot”—when I have urgent things to remember, I write key words on my hands! I also move my watch from my left arm to my right arm, signaling me that I have something important to do. If I’m going to a party or special event, I might request a guest list in advance and study who is going to be there to trigger my memory.

Tampering With the Habit

Since I am as much of a creature of habit as you are, I find myself operating day to day doing the same things over and over again. To be specific, there are habits that I have developed when I get into and out of my car. The order of operations to stopping, putting the car in park, grabbing the keys, the phone, and anything else usually never changes. But when it does…when there’s something that occurs that tampers with the habit, it seems to short circuit key elements. Every time I have had to lift something out of the passenger seat with two hands, I have locked my keys in my car. I have corrected this consciously over time, but a few years ago, this was a real problem for me. If any of the typical habits that I have in my life are interrupted in any way, something unexpected happens, and unexpected things can be extremely annoying because they disrupt the day.

Remembering something for me has been a matter of interest and repetition. Today I was sitting at the Coffee Plantation with Susan Gruenling of SonoranHouse.com and we were attempting to solve an e-mail problem with her iPhone. Through the process, we were given specific settings from the server administrator that we had to repeat over and over again until we got the setup right. After the first 3 times entering the number, I was surprised to see that Susan had committed the numbers to memory. I had too…repetition and association works, but it takes work to make it work.

But I’ve Already Done It

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